A Serious Piece of Art (and Piece of Ass!)
by wildlywalkingwest
Summary: Aoba is the most attractive man on Midorijima and very unattractive plays on words ensue. Pure crack. Rated M for language.


The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the views of the author

This is totally not meant to be taken seriously at all, it's pure crack

Aoba has a very famous Walk. Everyone in Midorijima knows it. Even if he were covered in a heavy black sheet through which he couldn't be seen, everyone could pick him out regardless, all because of the Walk.

It's difficult to explain the Walk. One might say that it's a cross between a saunter and a sashay, and that it's accentuated by Aoba's gorgeous huge boots. But in the end, it's impossible to approximate in an explanation, because it brims with the sort of artistic brilliance that needs to be seen to be believed and then, maybe, just maybe - when it's presented to a sharp eye, a discerning connoisseur of beauty - understood.

Aoba knows that his Walk is lovely and elegant and graceful. But more importantly, he knows that his Walk is hot as the motherfucking summer sun. It was how he got his start in the business; as he was walking down the street on his way to the junk shop one fine fall day, a man passing by whistled at him and said, not, "Nice ass," but, "Nice walk." On that very day, that fateful day, Aoba realized the power of his walk and it then became the Walk. _Fuck my voice and the junk shop,_ he thought, pseudo-literally, _this is how I'm going to make my living._

And make his living he did - and continues to do. All thanks to the Walk. It's like a pheromone; it's what attracts his clients, those reputable and on occasion very handsome men who call on his house when Granny Tae isn't home and pay him to demonstrate the Walk for them (they pay him for other things, too. Namely to get it on with them. Professionally, Aoba calls it "modeling" - the Walk lets him get away with that moniker, and he needs to use it so Granny Tae doesn't find out what he's up to (even though she already knows; he doesn't know she knows, though) - but he prefers to think of it as prostitution, because that's sexier).

Over time, he's accrued a short list of very regular patrons, each of whom he's able to anticipate weekly. Privately, and also in the presence of his good friend Mizuki, who seems to be the only man on Midorijima who doesn't want him, he refers to them (affectionately, but also with a certain degree of "fuck am I sexy") as his "harem".

On any given weeknight (he reserves weekends for other customers), he typically has over just one patron of the five men in his harem. He's loosely assigned each one of them to a different day, Monday through Friday, so that he doesn't have to worry about scheduling all the time (what a pain that is). A few nights in the month, he sees two of them at the same time, and under very unusual circumstances, he might even see three. But this balmy Wednesday evening precedes a new situation for him; they'll all be there. All five of them, all with their very strange attire that cramps Aoba's style. At least those two matching motherfuckers won't be there. God, how gay they are.

He's spent the whole of the day arranging the house and dragging things upstairs when he thinks Granny Tae isn't looking. (She's noticed all of this and knows exactly what he's doing, but she keeps her mouth shut so she doesn't embarrass him.) At around six, an hour before anyone is expected, Aoba steps up to her and slouches into one of the kitchen chairs.

"Grams," he says, in a voice so stereotypically gay that it's indistinguishable from that of a teenage valley girl, "we're having a tea party tonight, me and my friends. It's a tea party you need to be out of the house for, though, 'cause tea parties are really personal and shit. I mean, stuff."

Granny Tae, standing at the sink, sighs and forces herself to hold back a comment about using protection. She replaces that sentence with an innocent question: "Who is it that's coming over?"

Aoba drums his fingers on his lips (they're fixed already in their pre-kiss pout) as he thinks. "Um, the boring one, the nerdy one, the old one, and the weird one. Oh, and Ren, too." He giggles.

Granny Tae nods, resigned by now to her grandson's choice of career. Like a shunned parent, she takes a book from one of the kitchen cabinets and leaves for a night at Glitter spent worrying about her life.

Anxious about the wait, Aoba redoes his makeup (his eyeliner wasn't cooperating in the morning) and sways around poutily in his room. He's practicing his latest enticing lines in the mirror (come to think of it, his voice does complement the Walk) when there's a knock at the door. "Coming!" he calls down. Then, realizing his mistake, "Er, I'll be there in a second."

He opens the door onto - of course - Koujaku.

"Evening, Aoba," says Koujaku, in his painfully obvious flirting voice and with his painfully obvious flirting smile plastered across his only moderately attractive face.

 _Fuck,_ thinks Aoba, and he doesn't mean it as a command. _Why is he always the first one? What a loser. He's so boring. Ugh, Aoba, stop making that face, he'll notice and then you'll have to hear him complain about your relationship…_

Aoba sighs and says, "Come in," and he cringes at his own lack of enthusiasm.

Koujaku makes himself right the fuck at home on the couch in the living room. He's brought a can of soda with him and he knocks it back in a way that only whiskey should be knocked back by actual cool people. Aoba holds in a sigh. "We'll be upstairs," he says.

"Oh," says Koujaku, and gives him a wink as he gets up. Aoba turns around so that he can roll his eyes in peace.

Koujaku leaves his soda bottle on the dresser in front of Aoba's mirror and gives Aoba a playful wave as he Walks in. Just as Koujaku begins to approach him, there's a knock from downstairs. Aoba holds up his hand. "One sec," he says. Koujaku's shoulders slump. "Gotta get that."

Sticking into the kitchen through the window Granny Tae left open are a pair of arms and a phone. At the sound of Aoba's footsteps, a scruffy blonde head joins them; it belongs to the second of this night's visitors. "Yo," says Noiz, without taking his eyes off the screen, and with a moonlit glitter of the piercings he wears to look cool because his shitty hat doesn't exactly take care of that for him. "Gimme like two minutes, I'm almost done with this level."

 _Holy Jesus my savior,_ thinks Aoba, and he doesn't pray it in a flattering way. _He's such a geek. He could be so hot if he'd just put that stupid game down. So unsexy. Don't look at the phone, he's gonna see you…_

"Um," says Aoba, "well, when you're about done with that - "

A loud victory tone rings out from the phone. Noiz snaps it closed in a practiced (very overly practiced) motion and hops agilely through the window. Without any invitation from Aoba, and therefore much to his chagrin, he drifts upstairs.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" asks Koujaku as soon as he sees Noiz, who's gone right back to his game.

"The same thing you're doing here," says Aoba.

He and Koujaku (who is mildly startled) turn toward the window of Aoba's room as a fist pounds into it. (Noiz doesn't bother to look up.) Following the fist is the figure of a very tall and very brawny man, whom Aoba would have found attractive had he been a good couple of years (decades) younger. With a sigh, Aoba Walks over to the window and opens it.

"Hey," says Mink to Aoba as soon as he's in the room. "Fuck me."

 _Ugh_ , thinks Aoba, and it's not a mental moan. _He's so aggressive. Like, take me out to dinner first, would you? Christ, the manners. Step away from him, Aoba, he's getting too close…_

The doorbell saves him again. Ignoring Koujaku's demand to know why he's here too, he tosses up the palm of his hand into Mink's stern angry tsundere face. "One second, babe. I gotta get that."

When he gets to the door, but before he opens it, he's greeted with a shadowy wave from behind the screen. He slides it open and finds the guy whose name he doesn't know waiting for him. He calls him Clear, because he's pretty sure that's his name, but "Clear" only speaks Japanese and so Aoba really isn't sure (of the name and also of anything he ever says).

Clear starts talking Japanese and cheerily digs through the bag he's brought along with him. Aoba rolls his eyes.

 _This pain in the ass,_ thinks Aoba, in a way that isn't literal. _He doesn't even have the courtesy to do me. He shows up and just gives me shit. Homemade cookies this time, really? What a creep. Smile, Aoba, say thanks…_

"So are you coming in? 'Cause if you are, you prolly want to get the mask off, it kind of freaks people out. Like, including me."

Clear continues on with his rapid Japanese. Impatient and anxious waiting for his next expected arrival, Aoba says, "Yeah, uh-huh. Look, I don't know if you can understand me, but I'm going back inside, so you can just do… whatever it is you do. And stuff. Bye."

But before he's able to leave, Aoba hears a short yap and his heart skips a beat. Trotting around Clear and into the house is the tiny dog with the drooly tongue and syringe collar.

 _Oh my gee,_ thinks Aoba, and he does mean it sexily _. It's_ Ren. _He's so hot. Like, not when he's a dog, though. I'm not into that. And it's great because he'll never be hotter than me because he_ is _me. Oh my God, I'm blushing. Cool it, Aoba._

"Hi," says Aoba, his eyelashes fluttering.

"Evening," says dog (Aoba needs to amend that condition ASAP) Ren, who follows Aoba upstairs.

In the two minutes he's been gone, little has changed. Noiz is, of course, still playing his game. Koujaku is occupied with glaring at Mink, who stares indifferently at the wall. Aoba taps Ren's fluffy head lightly before shooing him off to the other side of the room.

"Okay, um," says Aoba, trying to keep calm in the presence of his crush, "beastiality costs extra, so you maybe want to not do the dog thing." Mostly he says it just because he thinks human Ren is more attractive than dog Ren and he's hoping his comment will prompt dog Ren to swap to human Ren, but he doesn't want anyone to get the wrong idea, either. It's not like he's easy or anything. When it comes to payment, at least.

Ren, easygoing as always, shrugs and un-dogs.

 _That's more like it,_ thinks Aoba as he admires those ripped-as-fuck muscles. Granted, every one of the men in the room has muscles like that, but whatever. _Damn._

"Does BDSM cost extra?" asks Mink. Who else.

"No," says Aoba, having a difficult time deciding whether to focus the brunt of his attention on his finely manicured nails or on Ren's sexy tats. They're way sexier than Koujaku's.

"But I thought you charged Virus and Trip extra," says Koujaku, who likes to think he knows everything about Aoba.

"That's only because their matching suits are fucking gay," says Aoba, disdainfully.

"Aren't we all gay?" asks Noiz, taking a split second away from that dorky-ass game on his iPhone 38. He's enough of an elitist to think that phones trump coils.

"I'm not gay!" says Koujaku.

Everyone in the room turns to look at him. Aoba raises his eyebrows. "Oh, dear," is all he says, in a sympathetic tone.

There's an awkward silence. Aoba pops a piece of gum into his mouth. "So," he says, looking neutrally at the floor but actually watching Ren's built-ass feet, "how are we deciding this? Drawing straws? Flipping coins? Someone tell me, 'cause I don't really care."

"Well," says Koujaku, at the same time Mink grunts and Noiz hits pause. "I think," he continues, "that I'm… like, you know how I killed my mom?" No one responds, but Koujaku doesn't say anything else.

Submitting, Aoba finally says, "Yeah?"

"Well," says Koujaku again, "I feel guilty. And stuff. So. You know. I think that makes me a good candidate for the first position in tonight's, uh, lineup."

Aoba rolls his eyes. Mink grunts. Noiz says, "I'm younger and hotter. Sold?"

"Yes, to everyone here," says Aoba impatiently.

"You're not hotter!" says Koujaku to Noiz.

"I am," says Noiz, nonchalantly ruffling his hair.

"I have the childhood friend appeal!" says Koujaku.

"I have the blonde Adonis appeal. And I dress better," says Noiz.

"Do not," says Koujaku.

"Do too," says Noiz.

Koujaku rips his cloak-robe thing off. "I have the abdomen of a sword master!" he says, with a deep inhalation that puffs out his chest.

Noiz (magically) discards both his shirts at once. "I don't look anything like a 19-year-old who hasn't been in the military for three years," he says. "So I'm just naturally hotter."

"Okay," says Aoba, "maybe the two of you should just go off alone? 'Cause, you're seeming pretty into each other and it's not very flattering to me." He looks at both of them with pressed lips, demanding an explanation for this breach of politeness with just his expression. "Also, for Christ's sake, cover up. This isn't a fucking brothel."

"He's too old for me," says Noiz at the same time Koujaku says, "I'm not gay!" Faced again with the disbelief of everyone present, he swallows awkwardly and amends his declaration: "Not for him, at least. I only like Aoba. And, like, one other guy." No one looks away from him. "Okay, like, five other guys. Maybe four. It's not like I think about them enough to remember how many, or anything."

"Right," says Aoba, practically dripping disbelief. "Anyway. Problem still not solved. Ren? What do you think?" With a shining smile at Ren, he goes to twiddle his hair but hits one of his hair nerves and grits his teeth to keep from saying "ow" or crying.

"I don't know," says Ren. Mink says, "This is taking too long."

"Yeah, I know how impatient you get, calm down," says Aoba with a sassing frown at Mink.

A highly sexually strained argument is about to break out when there's a light tap on the door to Aoba's room. Aoba huffs and goes to answer it. It's Clear, or whatever his name is, with his cookies and a teapot which Aoba is certain his grandmother doesn't own and is also certain Clear didn't have before.

"Why the fuck is he here?" says Koujaku. Again.

Clear starts speaking Japanese and sets the cookies and tea in the middle of the room before sitting cross-legged against the far wall. Aoba grimaces, because Clear's now blocking his view of Ren's tight-as-whities calves.

"Okay," says Aoba to Clear, "so, what are you doing here? 'Cause even if you're just watching, that costs." He's proud of himself for his refusals to bargain. He's as good at haggling as an attractive and mildly aggressive woman at a car dealership. Probably because he is an attractive and mildly aggressive woman at a house of prostitution.

Clear shakes his head and starts talking Japanese again. He goes over to the middle of the room, takes a cookie, and extends it to Aoba.

"I only take cash," says Aoba.

"Not even coin," says Noiz without looking up. "I've tried."

Clear seems dismayed and gestures frantically with his cookies.

"Yeah," says Aoba, already done and giving up. "Okay, well, that's that, I guess. No one's made any progress on the lineup still, so, someone get on that, maybe." Very fed up and frustrated with this impeding of his artistic work (he doesn't really think it's artistic at all, but putting it off like that gives him a reason to bitch and moan about it like a critic - or, come to think of it, any other prostitute), he huffs and throws up his arms and sighs and Walks over to his bed to sit heavily down.

"I stand by my original statement," says Koujaku, "which was that I'm guiltiest so I get dibs."

"And I stand by mine," says Noiz, "which was that I'm hotter."

"And I stand by mine," says Mink, "which was that Aoba should fuck me."

"本当にお茶はおいしいです!" says Clear.

"What?" says Ren.

"I also said I was younger," says Noiz.

"See, Aoba," says Koujaku, "he's fucking jailbait."

"A'ight, Gramps," says Noiz, "calm your sagging tits."

"I'm Gramps," says Mink. "But my tits don't sag."

"You don't have tits," says Ren. "No one here has tits."

"え?" says Clear.

"Oh, like you'd know, doggone it," says Koujaku. "I mean, 'cause you're a dog. Not because I'm a woman."

"A'ight, Grams," says Noiz.

"Huh," says Mink.

"That funny to you, assface?" says Koujaku.

"Want me to punch your fugly face into an ass?" says Mink.

"How would that happen? Would he defecate out of his face?" says Ren.

"Why are you entertaining this?" says Koujaku.

"'Cause it's entertaining," says Noiz.

"引数が好きではありません!" says Clear.

 _God_ , thinks Aoba, _they're all bigger bitches than I am_.

"Look," he says, with his voice power, and everyone shuts up and looks at him. "All I wanted was to have a nice, quiet evening. I didn't want any problems. And - give me this," he says suddenly to Clear, and reaches over to take one of his cookies before stuffing it in his mouth. "Now you four - " He's difficult to understand while chewing. "You four make my life very difficult."

"Four?" says Koujaku.

"Yes," says Aoba. "You, Hat, Dreads, and Whitey."

"僕が?" says Clear.

"Yes, you," says Aoba.

"What the fuck?" says Koujaku. "What about Ren?"

Aoba giggles. "Ren is just fine," he says, with a flutter of his eyelashes.

There's a resounding cry of "bullshit" from Koujaku (still posturing about manlily), Noiz (still playing his game), and Mink (still grunting to himself) while Ren (not even flattered) sighs at the wall and Clear (not even ashamed) cries on the floor. Aoba takes another cookie and yawns.

"Aoba," says Koujaku, "you and I are tight, right? Tight as anything."

"Aoba, you like piercings," says Noiz.

"Huh," says Mink.

Clear continues crying. Ren jerks a thumb at him and says, "Seriously, what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know," says Aoba. "He doesn't speak English, or something."

"I speak English," says Clear, clearly.

Even Noiz finds that revelation important enough to pause his game. "What?" says Aoba.

"Yes," says Clear.

"Then why have you not been speaking English?" says Aoba.

"Well, I got the impression that no one would want to hear me speak English. So I didn't," says Clear.

 _Ugh,_ thinks Aoba. _He's right. It was better that way. And now I can't even insult him because he'll understand me. But he's been understanding me the whole time. Now I'm going to have to explain away all my other insults as passive-aggressiveness. God._

"Okay," says Aoba, "then maybe you can finally tell me what you're doing here."

"Well," says Clear, "I thought I'd bring Master Aoba cookies. But then I thought to make tea too. And then I saw that there were other people here and thought that they must be friends of Master Aoba, so I thought I'd make tea for them too."

 _"Master Aoba?"_ thinks Aoba. _Oh God, not another fetishist._

"Look, Aoba," says Ren. "It's getting late, I gotta go."

"What? No, no," says Aoba, very quickly, "Ren, there's no rush to be anywhere, is there, now? Where are you going?"

"Oh, wow," says Koujaku, dripping sarcasm, "some people are just so terribly impatient."

"You talkin' to me?" says Mink.

"No," says Noiz.

"What?" says Koujaku.

"Actually," says Noiz, "I just got invited to this _WoW_ contest, so I gotta run too."

"Would you look at that!" says Koujaku.

"I'm bored," says Mink. "I'm leaving too."

Koujaku stares very intensely at Clear, who misunderstands his intent and waves at him. "You got somewhere to be?" says Koujaku.

"No," says Clear.

"Goddamnit," says Koujaku. "Well, uh." He weakly attempts his painfully obvious flirting smile again. "Guess I'm out too, then, Aoba. Sorry. Rain check, you know? Next time."

Aoba tries hard not to vomit. "Yeah," he says.

"Master Aoba!" says Clear. "Do you understand the value of friendship now?"

Aoba glances over to the side in complete confusion before glancing back at Clear. "Um," he says, "no."

"Oh," says Clear. "Uh… well, I hope my cookies bring you solace in your pain." He bows cryptically and leaves.

 _Ugh_ , thinks Aoba, and that's all he thinks.

He looks at his coil. He's got a phone call from an unknown number. "Who the fuck is this?" he says. Anticipating that it might be a client, he prepares his soft-and-enticing voice and takes the call. "Hello?" he says like an uke.

"Hi Aoba," says the caller.

"Who's this?" says Aoba.

"Virus," says the caller.

"Oh," says Aoba. He lets his voice lapse out of its proven-sexy tone. "I can't do anyone tonight, so."

"Oh," says Virus. "That wasn't why I was calling."

"Oh," says Aoba. "Then why are you calling?"

"Because I needed dialogue," says Virus.

"Oh," says Aoba. "You know, if you're keeping tabs, can you let me know where Ren is right now?"

"Ren?" says Virus.

"Yeah," says Aoba.

"The graveyard," says Virus.

"Um," says Aoba.

"Being that he's dead and all," says Virus.

"What?" says Aoba.

"Yeah," says Virus.

"But he's hot and I just saw him," says Aoba.

"That's weird," says Virus.

But who was Ren?


End file.
